What should we do at the wedding night? What are the commands and advice of our religion about this topic?
The wedding night/the bridal chamber: The night when the husband and wife who are married come together for the first time. The quality of this gathering is the disappearance of material and spiritual privacy and intimacy which is new to the woman and man. For the two persons who lived in different worlds before that night have come to the state of getting closer to each other and sharing the same life. And above that, they have started to 'actively live' certain rights and duties as a family.
It is necessary not to see the wedding night only as two opposite sexes knowing each other sexually. This unity is the start of a spiritual and emotional completion, at the same time. The lives of two young people who have attained maturity will last according to a certain measure and plan afterwards. For these reasons, the wedding night is the start of a life filled with utterly serious and hard responsibilities. To put it in a nutshell, it is the time when a decision of planning is taken. A couple will clearly explain what they think of one another in the life they will share and they will speak about what behaviors and actions they expect from one another.
Bridal chamber (wedding night) is an Islamic event. This is because the extraordinary situation that catches our attention in the event of bridal chamber is that the woman and the man come together under legal measures and that such a big event as marriage is thought about, discussed and finally realized.
In the event of bridal chamber, the couple who knew each other from a far before evaluate one another in a measured way in close contact and in a serious atmosphere. This is because, at the start of a new life with marriage, they are to be known with all their qualities. When the Islamic privacy is lost and when the woman and man come together with no measure and seriousness as is the case today, this cancels the necessity for the bridal chamber. For there is no privacy in this case, nor a serious reckoning about the future. The parties are either unaware of the fate awaiting them or only 'sexual satisfaction' prevails their coming together.
Therefore, sometimes in such illegal relationships, there are even those who do not see the need for marriage. Of course, such relationships end with grave pains and catastrophes.
The marriage in Islam is the arrangement of sexual feelings in the circle of a religious program and with the purest qualities of human love. Of course, this pure and clean unity will need such spiritual and bodily unity as the bridal chamber, of which others are oblivious.
Necessary Information about (first) Marriage:
Many fall into depression because of ignorance about sexual relation. For this reason, firstly, it is better to know well what jima (completion of intercourse) is. If not known properly and if done wrongly, unrest may increase in time and this may lead to the collapse of the family. Therefore, it is important to learn these pieces of intimate information correctly and to practice them accordingly.
After marriage, zifaf (wedding night) is one of the most important periods of marital life. Couples should pay attention to cleanliness as much as possible. Clean and beautiful clothes prove effective at the first night. The room of zifaf must be in a solitary and secure place. There is no drawback for the groom to benefit from the advice of a trustable bestman who has marriage experience. But it is also possible without bestman.
Certain points that couples should pay attention to at the first night:
First of all, couples should behave very sincerely, politely and tenderly toward each other and should view each other with love and compassion. The man should prepare his spouse psychologically for relation. He should give her confidence; he should explain to her that her preoccupations are groundless in a comely atmosphere by letting her speak, too. He should avoid any small action which would hurt his spouse, even a hint of it. He should know that his spouse is in much need of receiving love and compassion and of hearing compliments especially at that night.
The man should not be hasty and rude. Such a thought as “Now that we are married, I can approach her however I want.” is utterly mistaken. Jima is an act which happens during plays of love. Both parties should actively take part in the contact. In the same way, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) attracted attention to that point and asked men to comply with the rights of their wives, too. Sexual satisfaction is also a right of the woman.
The young lady should also share the excitement and love of her spouse and should submit herself to him naturally and willingly. She should think that jima is a duty of creation and she should remember the meaning and wisdoms of it and by trusting her love and qualities of creation, she should overcome groundless fears and preoccupations.
Couples may become tired and sleepless after the stressful and tense aura of the wedding. For this reason, generally they are not ready for jima. In this case, the first day of jima may be postponed. This does not have any drawbacks; on the contrary, it may have many advantages.
The first night is the time when curious excitements are experienced by couples-a happy, enjoyable and exciting time which was awaited for years and looked forward to, which embellished the dreams of the lady and the young man. The one who followed an illegal life is deprived of that feeling.
The groom should enter the chamber with a smile and with courtesy; he should salute the bride and should congratulate her. He should please her with morale-inspiring words and should try to appease her nervousness. And the bride should reciprocate him with warmth and should not show unnecessary sulkiness and shyness.
That night, supererogatory two part-prayer is performed and supplication to Allah is done. Prayers are performed to Allah as offering thanks to have reached these days and for the continuance of happiness in the coming days. Also, they should sit and talk for some time. Thus they try to contain excitement.
Every lady feels more or less shyness at this first night. She feels the bashfulness of being alone together with a man and of confiding in him. This state of hers is quite natural and should be welcomed.
The man should show a sincere intimacy without ever pressuring and forcing the lady and should try to lessen her timidity. Even if the girl feels shy to speak and to confide in him, the man should continue sincere talk and intimacy and enter her heart gradually. It is also enough for the lady to listen silently and to answer now and then with a short response.
The groom should approach with warmth and say pleasant words, compliment and congratulate his wife. Such behavior proves much helpful in decreasing the lady's excitement. The whole matter is to make the lady ready for jima by kissing and touching! It should not be forgotten that the first night is not an unchangeable measure. The first night is only a beginning. The first try may be unsuccessful; it should be accepted as normal.
The man who stays away from women because of his belief can most often ejaculate just by seeing a woman closely or by touching her. Without falling into hopelessness, after preparing for about half an hour, another try is taken. In the second state, as the first excitement is over and therefore ejaculation does not take place quickly, the initial preparation can be made more comfortably. This situation is of great importance. The couples who know this situation and prepare themselves accordingly will be untroubled. They will not fall into the apprehension of whether it was alright or not. For this is a natural situation. A couple of hours' rest can be taken or it can be delayed until the next day. In this case, the lady should also accept and tolerate the situation.
When the touch is successfully carried out, the man should share his feelings of happiness with his wife, should offer his thanks and should pray for the lifelong continuance of their happiness.
At the first night, if there is shyness and timidity in the lady, the man should welcome this state which is a natural result of the first meeting and should not show unnecessary haste and intolerance. Shyness, being hurt and disagreeableness caused by the rudeness at the first night may have a long lasting negative effect. Similarly, the reward of the patience and politeness at that night will be received afterwards.
Of course, it is a very important event for a young lady to be together with a man for the first time, to separate from her family in which she found shelter for many years and to enter a new family life. At that time, she is in need of the man's wide wings of compassion and love. A woman does not ever forget the man whom she first meets. If the woman experienced pleasurable excitements at the first night, if she was shown love, patience, politeness and a broad understanding, she feels grateful to the man all her life. This first experience is an unforgettable memoir for the woman. Even if that man leaves the woman afterwards or lets her down, the mysterious memoir in her heart lives for ever.
The first night does not allow any rudeness; especially at that night, the man should be very polite.
There is an anecdote I want to quote: A woman weirdly lives with her husband for ten years; she engages in intercourse with her husband only once in a month and during that intercourse the woman behaves completely coldly. The thing is, at the first night, that man offended the woman. He said “How skinny and ugly you are!” The woman could not forget that. As is understood, the husband should avoid any words which may upset the woman such as “you are skinny; fat; too tall; short; old; ignorant; passive, etc.”
Preparation: Another important point at the first night is that preparation should not be in such a way as to put off the woman or scare her. To that end, one should be careful about taking off one's clothes. First of all, it is not appropriate for the groom to attempt to strip the bride himself. The bride and the groom should take off their clothes on their own. It is not appropriate to strip stark naked, either. In general, the bride feels horror and distress to be seen naked for the first time and to see the man naked.
In order to protect feelings of shame, during taking clothes off, that action should also be veiled. For that, either the lamps should be turned off, or a night-lamp with little light should be used. They should take into account the distress that would result from being seen with a stark naked body. This situation is also against good manners.
At the first night, some men both exhibit their bodies and strip the woman stark naked, which puts her in a distressing situation. That is extremely inappropriate.
During taking clothes off, one should not attempt to fully strip while standing, but should remove the heavy upper clothing. Underwear should be removed after lying beneath the quills.
The first touch: Love-play is important during intercourse. It should be polite and if the man's method to excite the woman is perfect, no matter how shy the woman may be, her trust in her husband starts to increase and she starts to be relieved. After that, her feeling of submissiveness grows and instead of inhibition, desire is aroused. What hurts and scares many brides is their husbands' rude and insensitive behavior. The groom should gradually prepare the bride who is for the time being in a state of inhibition, for the marriage life. He should search for the ways of how to arouse desire in the bride and should help her overcome her feelings of shyness. A normal woman may firstly behave shy in order to tempt her husband's desire. Actually, she likes to be conquered. But she never welcomes any rude attempt to break the resistance. For this reason, the groom should never neglect the points of politeness, patience, and delicacy. And the bride also should avoid behaviors which may handicap the success of her husband as much as possible, who is probably living the most exciting moments of his life.
Breaking of Virginity: This does not pose any hardships for ladies and young men with normal qualities. What is to be done is, to prepare opportunity for intercourse through love plays; and after the bride comes to that stage, in other words, when the slippery fluid which makes the intercourse easier is emitted, the intercourse is completed with a little pressure downwards. Even if such a slippery fluid is not emitted, it is still carried out easily. Applying some vaseline on genitals will make it easier.
In such cases as irritation or pain, it is better to allow an interval of 1 to 2 days. But this is not obligatory, either. If there is mutual desire, the next day or a couple of hours later intercourse may be performed. Extreme desire suppresses pain. There is no need for panic if the blood that comes with the tearing of the membrane does not stop. If the lady lies on her back, lifting her knee, contracting and bringing her legs close to each other, most often the bleeding stops by itself. It is also experienced, however rarely, that blood sttill continues to flow.
Indeed, on condition that both parties are well prepared for the intercourse both spiritually and bodily, that the man stimulates his wife successfully and that both reach a satisfactory level of sexual excitement, almost no pain is felt. Excessive excitement and excessive joy remove the feeling of pain. Wounds received in wars or fight are understood afterwards by seeing blood. In the mean time, spouses should help each other and especially the man should be very patient, understanding and compassionate. He should understand the timidity of the lady at the first night which is just natural because of the fear of pain, feelings of shame due to close intimacy with an until-then stranger and because of the transition from being a girl to being a woman.
After sincerely making himself familiar with her and after assuring her feelings of shyness, the man has the duty to pave the way for their uniting in a polite and soft manner. To conclude, he should be careful, patient and prudent during and after the first intercourse of the first night. If those conditions are not taken into account, the lady may feel pain from sexual relation rather than pleasure. It is natural that in the first intercourse the desired sexual pleasure may not be felt.
Hindrances of Intercourse
If the first night's intercourse is hindered by a serious obstacle, it is necessary to delay intercourse to the next days. For example, if the menstruation of the lady continues, there is the necessity to opt for delaying. In essence, the first night should be arranged in such a way that it is within the time period in which the lady is cleaned of menstruation. The intercourse may not necessarily be performed at the first night. If acted with patience and understanding, hardships and hindrances will be gone at other nights.
Some men may fall into temporary sexual impotence because of the excessive excitement that they experience at that night. If such a situation is experienced at the first night, it is necessary to delay trial a couple of hours or to delay it until the following nights. For this situation is a temporary failure; it is removed after a while with the breaking of excitement and handicaps. It may continue from a couple of hours to a couple of nights.
The Outstanding Hindrances of The First Night's Intercourse:
The lady's excessive shyness:
This situation may arise from some wrong ideas that the first night will be very troublesome, which is conceived for long by ladies, or it may arise from the impatient, impolite and hasty behaviors of the man caused by a rude show of “manhood”.
Worries of the Man:
That some men are worried that they may fail in the first night's intercourse, that they are anxious and agitated with those feelings, and that they are faced with early ejaculation during intercourse may cause a temporary failure.
The pressure that the conventions in many places of waiting for the result of the first night pose on men's psychology, the unsuitable, noisy, and visible place of the bridal chamber, observance of an instantaneous unexpected and unpleasing state in the lady, the extreme levels of love, compassion, and regard felt toward the lady are among the causes of temporary impotency.
So, the one who fails sexually in the bridal chamber for such reasons should know that it is temporary and should delay the intercourse until next nights.
In sexual relations, the first stage should be well prepared. Abandoning that is rude on the part of the man, and cruelty on the part of the woman. For this reason, one should make appropriate use of the five senses.
Vision and Audition:
Before the relation, eyes should see legal things which stir up the feelings in question and they should not be distracted by such visions which may have bad effects on feelings. For example, if it is night time, it is appropriate if the room is dimly lit, if the light is put out or decreased such as with a night light. The most important of all, for man or woman whether with clothes or naked, no visions which may disturb eyes and which may cause more or less coldness should not be allowed and clothes which appeal to eye should be worn. A woman should adorn herself for her own husband, not for outsiders. Before relation, annoying words should not be heard, and no dispute or upsetting expressions should be allowed. At that time, cheering whispers, a mutual pleasurable conversation, some affectionate words are useful.
Smelling and Tasting:
In the beginning of the relation, such nice odors as musk and lavender are generally effective for pleasure-sensitive men. A woman who is aware of this fine point does not neglect perfuming herself with nice odors. It is also enough to clean the body and to remove foul smells. For the natural odor that spouses emit from their clean bodies is altogether effective in attracting each other. The most disturbing smells are mouth smell and intense smell of sweating. Therefore, the areas of armpits and groins which accumulate much sweat in body should be shaved once in a week and should be cleaned. Teeth should be brushed frequently and better be brushed with miswaq (a stick of wood from toothbrush tree; a practice of the Prophet). As smells of onion, garlic and cigarette are disturbing, relation in such a foul smelling atmosphere should be avoided.
Touching and Caressing:
The most effective plays of love in preparation for intercourse are those of touching and caressing certain parts of the body. For that, spouses should be naked enough. Not leaving anything except for underwear in the upper part of the body, or even being naked in the bed according to the situation, provides ultimate joy from the relation. As in other points, the duty of touching and caressing is more upon the man than upon the woman.
Oral sex, woman's taking man's sexual organ into her mouth, which has become widespread among perverted people, is much abhorred religiously. It is also a bad action for man to kiss or lick the woman's sexual organ.
The Phase of Intercourse:
After the love plays that are performed for a long or a short time according to spouses' need, with the arousal of feelings of lust, a fluid called mazi is emitted in woman's genitals which make intercourse easier. If the woman is weak in sexual feeling at that time or if she is not excited enough, such a fluid is not seen.
Couples choose the style of intercourse that they desire.
The most important issue during intercourse is that the man should not make haste. It is an important duty for man to be patient. If the man acts only for his own pleasure not caring about the lady, he comes to the end of the pleasure in a couple of minutes. And this situation means abandoning the woman who is just aroused and leaving her in distress.
Therefore, with occasional intervals and with cautious actions, man should delay the state of ejaculation at the end and should try to ensure togetherness with the woman in this respect. The state of touch that continues till the state of orgasm, which is the exciting peak of pleasure, is thus continued as a calm and contented pleasure.
The Manners of Intercourse:
Although each lustful desire ends in darkening of the heart and distress, the intercourse performed in a religiously legal way causes relief in heart, and calmness and ease in spirit and body. The real wisdom in intercourse is the aim of continuing the generation and the pleasure in that is given as a Divine blessing to that end. Spouses who perform intercourse by complying with the appropriate manners also gain reward of worship with that. The intercourse performed under marriage is called jima; the one performed outside marriage is called zina (adultery).
It is a grave sin for woman not to accept the relation without a legal excuse. To make the semen flow out rather than inside the woman's sexual organ during ejaculation is permitted if it is done with the permission of the woman; and it is makrooh (abhorred) if done without her permission. If there is need, when the woman is in her period, too, ejaculation by benefiting from her body outside of the parts between her knees and the belly is permitted. According to another source, only the genitals are excepted for benefiting during that period.
One should intend to protect oneself from the illicit and to suffice with the permitted and should invoke Allah Most High during intercourse saying “Bismillahi Allahumma jannibna-sh-shaytana wa jannibi-sh-shaytana ma razaktana”. If she becomes pregnant in that state, satan will not harm her.
Allah's Messenger, peace and blessings upon him, said: “Say Basmala (Bismillahirrahmanirrahim; In the name of God, the Merciful, the Compassionate) in jima. Rewards will be written for you until you are cleansed of junub. If you beget a child in this jima, you will be given as many rewards as the breaths of this child and as the breaths of his/her lineage.”
The man should make love plays with the woman until lust and desire emerge in the woman. The benefits of that are the relief of the body and the perfection of the child to be born. He should not make haste. It is stated in hadiths (saying of the Prophet): “A man should not jump and dive like a cock while engaging in intercourse with his wife. Just as he himself is relieved, his wife should stay on her belly until she is relieved, too.” “If you are relieved before the woman is relieved, the rest of the day passes with laziness and sluggishness for the woman.” The woman who is in her period should put on old clothes in order to decrease her husband's desire.
It is a grave sin to engage in intercourse with the woman from her back (i.e. from her anus). In a hadith, it is stated: “The one who approaches his wife from her back is cursed.” One should take a nap after jima.